When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl