Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.