Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?