Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
we all know this pain all too well
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
#FunnyLife Insects
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer