[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
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Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Hot Hot Hot
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
you know what ruined my childhood? children
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
What’s a Messi?