Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I gave up going to work for lent.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700