Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.