[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?