[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Meow?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
welp
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.