Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.