@YoungNobler: Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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@SortaBad: "Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?" Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not
@KeetPotato: [uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird] me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] "i did not think this through"
@Fred_Delicious: Waiter, there's a spider in my pie. I thought you had an "award winning chef" *waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
@imchriskelly: "What charities do you donate to?" "I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."