@YoungNobler: Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]
@sixfootcandy: Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed! Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa? Me: Yes please.
@tlcprincess: Man reading a book: hot Man with a baby: hot Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.