Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Trying
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I’m having an out of money experience.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.