*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.