Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
You Might Also Like
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow