Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see