Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I wish this was real life…
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.