Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.