You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.