Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
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Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Well, shit
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Just say no
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot