Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
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being a writer on Twitter:
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
the world’s most popular steaming services
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Childbirth is so beautiful
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.