Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
lol
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher