Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood