Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]