Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Best mom ever 😂
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava