Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.