@AngelaEhh: Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
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@SlabBaconBP: How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.
@MattMcElaney: Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
@GlennyRodge: "My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Español?" "No, he's a labrador."