*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
You Might Also Like
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I thought this was funny lol
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*