Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*