Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.