@imagine_vegas: Still haven't cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different
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@robfee: The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor
@justabloodygame: A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury. "You've made a grave mistake!" He fumes.
@stephenjmolloy: Chief cop: "This might be racially motivated." Ian: "Hate crime?" Chief cop: "We all hate crime, Ian. That's why we are cops."
@Dahmerscookpot: Things that don't kill bees 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming