Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
LOL!
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.