It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic