I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?