Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?