Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
You Might Also Like
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.