@gitson_shiggles: Still trying to convince my boss that I'm just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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@AimeeHelene1: (telling a ghost story) You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That's adulthood coming for you! *all the adults start screaming*
@shkeeber: Nephew: Really?! Me: Yup! Go for it! N: *runs into wall* Me: *takes pic* N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts? Me: No, we'll try again later.
@Jake_Vig: ME: I can understand why, it's so silky and luxurious. THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan. ME: Oh. I thought you said "satin."
@theroneman: Captain: You’re suspended. Turn in ur badge and gun. [he does, but immediately grows a new badge and gun] Godammit, u were born to be a cop.