Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
What
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.