Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*