Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.