“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.