@junejuly12: Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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@ericsshadow: Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don't want to get off the couch.
@BGH70: When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, "significantly less bleeding." Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
@weinerdog4life: Don't ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.