Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.