Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Bloody internet 😳
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory