Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?