[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
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Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
There’s only one good girl here!
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?