My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Pretty much! 😂👀
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.