I am officially off the marketπππππ
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
saw a garbage truck with the tagline βour business stinks, but itβs picking up!β pretty good imo.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us βHowβs that door holding up?β and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them thatβs only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
imagine if poop was transparent. Iβd completely lose my shit
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. Theyβll think they have a poltergeist and move
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Ok whoβs got my black socks?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My dad, a Canadian: βI canβt believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holidayβ
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Iβve seen wax fruit less fake than you
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
*mops up wine with cat*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didnβt fold themselves?!?