Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .