*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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