*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
grotesque if literal: baby food
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas