[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
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ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
📽️movie date🎞️
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”