*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
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Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
The three genders.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted