STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Previously On Persistence 😎
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
How do you milk an almond?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.